Dear Diary, (that shouldn't be posted on the internet)
today was a bad day and a good day. Juxtaposition? I think so. Today I finished a moc exam, talked to my wonderful Sarah, met her mum, had Pizza with Abby and Mikayla and got to know Mikayla alot more. But bad things also happened. Sarah is gone now, Hubert is cross because we didn't invite him for pizza because he didn't have any money, there's nobody I can talk to about this because Kaerith is ill, Madnut is busy with work and her boyfriend, Sarah is gone, Stephanie is busy with her ex-boyfriend, Hubert is gone and won't talk to me and I don't find Facebook and Twitter a suitable replacement. On Twitter today it also got me slightly down when I heard poor Tulisa had been betrayed by her lover, her ex-boyfriend posted a sex tape on the internet according to rumours. Didn't hear this rumours until today, just shows how slow I am with the latest celebrity gossip, my life is a Drama, why do I need to read up on some more. But after listening to Tulisa talking on video about how upset she was to discover the video, it made me sad. I can't imagine what she's going through, and to be honest I'm making a fuss over nothing.
Yesterday, there was more drama on facebook that was escalated again. I don't know why people thought I was angry or upset with Manticore. Manticore for the past month has been commenting on my status updates with insults such as 'idiot', 'stupid' and 'silly'. I know Manticore loves to joke and is hyperactive so when I respond with comebacks I kind of expect it to be received as a joke too. Manticore deleted the posts he made and the ones I posted on his timeline. I wonder why. Was it a joke that went too far I wonder. People don't know me very well. Because they never take the time to know me I guess. And the best thing about this blog is I don't think anyone reads it. I hope it stays that way. I enjoy posting what's on my mind without anyone criticizing me and I really need to word vomit everything and I mean everything.
I really am going to miss Sarah, to be honest. Sarah has been the only person to listen to me properly lately. Kaerith lives too faraway, Hubert is too busy, Madnut is so busy I only ever see her in lectures or when hunting for a house which I have to say is still going to the dogs. I'm pissed off with people saying to me
"ADAM, HAVE YOU FOUND A HOUSE? OH WE FOUND A HOUSE, WE'RE SORTED"
Inside my head I wanna say out loud:
"OH YEAH! WELL GOOD FOR YOU, LET'S HOPE YOU DON'T GET BURGLED OR RIPPED OFF BY THE LANDLORD AND I WANT TO THROW YOU HORRIBLY BUT LOVINGLY INTO A BATHTUB FULL OF DIRTY WATER and just giggle because your wet and that's my revenge over".
I'm just not a horrible person, no matter how hard I try to be more horrible I can't do it. It's not within my bones. But I don't like people rubbing in my situations in my face with salt. Especially people who already have what I don't have. Hubert let us down, big time. And he still has the nerve to say to my face you better hurry up to find a house. Well who's fault it is we haven't found a house sooner or in time?
As well as arguing with an ebay seller that sent a product that looks different to the photos, my grandmother sent me an email asking me why I hadn't asked for money when I needed it, because my mum mentioned it. Bless my mum, I know she means the best but the number of times they've rubbed it in is also giving me an achy skin, I wish she didn't tell her.
"Adam, why did you not ask for it?"
"Because 1. I've never asked for money from you, or received money from you until now.
2. I don't live with you, its already awkward enough to ask for it.
3. I don't want to feel in debt and I have dignity. I'm 19. I want to feel independent.
I still haven't found a job. I haven't gone to any clubs in ages because my health is down the drain, my studies are asking for attention like a baby screaming for 24/7 attention of love, care and feeding, nappy changing. I don't what Manticore wants. My cousin sent me an email, it sounded weird, I didn't translate it or responded yet but it sounded like he wasn't happy with my family.
I have to finish a costume, revise for over 10 exams? Those exams might be during the Expo Kaerith told me recently. I have trouble falling asleep. Even when typing this I have insomnia, I have trouble falling asleep because all these thoughts rush through my head and lately I've been wondering if people do care about me.
And that's it basically. Truth be told, I need to runaway. But I don't have money. I just do not have money.
I want to cry. But crying requires effort and alot of water in your body. I don't have water in my body, I have Ribena. I have been drinking nothing but Ribena because I can't stand the water in this place. I want to cry, but it's the opposite my body is doing. When you cry you feel better and you move on. But my body feels empty. I feel hollow like there's no feeling. And oh dear lord alarm bells begin ringing in my head when I start hearing this symptoms. For now this is normal, its only stayed like this for nearly 24 hours and fingers crossed it should go. And also alot is going on I guess.
Unhappiness, go away! Come back another day!
TokyoDreamer9
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