That unspoken fear

Uneasy confession

I have began to notice something alittle unsettling about myself recently. No matter how hard I try there are durations of time I began  to slowly spiral into a sense of such hopelessness. I am finding it harder to ask for help and though no one will admit it, they do have consequences. This is my only outlet and I hope it suffices, I pray it does.
Today I feel as if this another long uphill climb and the end result will be nought but misery. My health has began to spiral out of control again. My muscles are tensing and these deadlines are continuous. They used to have small breaks and though small made a difference. But now they are just continually thrown at me.

 I'm suffering from Insomnia again.
I have given up hope in going to the Doctors. Each time I book an appointment it has to be in a week's time unless it's deemed 'an emergency'. When I do get there and I explain my situation all I am given is a prescription that just tackles my symptoms whilst destroying some other part of my body. On top of that I have to pay money. I thought I could apply for a health form to exemplify myself from such costs but after looking online it appears I do not qualify. I deal with my health by drinking plenty of fluids, trying to get as much sleep as possible and only using medication when I cannot physically cope anymore.
Yesterday I sent in my application for staying on Uni accommodation for next year. The deposit has crippled me financially and there's nothing I can do about it.
I considered finding a job again but then I remembered something. There are no jobs. Flashback to the day I went to every shop only to be told to go online to their website and the following words:

We currently have no vacancies

Or

You do have the skills to do this job

And these are jobs that pay so poorly I wonder why should I even bother trying to impress such people who will pay me less than £7 an hour for standing up all day smiling, working to the bone and at the same time appreciate the job, even when the wage is bearly enough?!

There are then those moments when I reach the eye of the storm. Everyone tells me everything is going to be alright and I disillusion myself that it will be fine. But then I reach this state again. I just plug my headphones into my ears and want to shut the world out. 

Irrational Thoughts

I have realized I think very irrationally at times and have some obsessive tendencies. I am also paranoid. It's a constant fight to try reaffirm which thoughts are normal and which are not. When I go shopping I never noticed it before till watching a documentary but I always feel self-conscious and think everyone around me is looking at me, judging me. I realized that is an example of an irrational thought and in a way has helped me distinguish that my mind can sometimes turn against me. Each time I now go shopping ina  supermarket and that thought enters my head that people are looking at me, I fight it and say in my head:

No you are being paranoid. Nobody cares, they are living their own lives and you are being irrational.

And after that, I am back to shopping in peace. However, I wish I could say this thinking can help with my other problems. 

I have never been diagnosed with Depression and I do not wish to. When you are labelled with a mental illness it denies you job opportunities and a record which does nothing but bad. A month ago I walked into the University counselling centre and found some pamphlets and was considering booking an appointment with a counselor  I do not like talking to people about my problems, I love to rant and complain about ridiculous things that happen and laugh about it afterwards with friends. But serious problems I cannot cope with and I know there is no easy solution, or problems which I know 100% for sure people will be judge me upon that if they even say they won't, cause let's face it. As humans we cannot help to judge, it's in our nature. 

But anyway back to the health centre. Why did I not see the counselor? Two reasons:

1) The first was an advertisement I saw before entering. It was about an MP, someone who worked for David Cameron who had something like Depression. When being hired by Cameron the man asked him if he knew he had a record of mental illness and Cameron replied that he did and didn't see what the fuss was. After that the man made a point that though it was not a problem for him to work in parliament however statistics show people with record of mental illnesses have difficulty getting a job to a person with no record of mental illnesses even with 1 in 4 people having a mental illness in the country. 

I made a decision to leave that instant and didn't go back. I was not thinking irrationally. My future looks so bleak and the moment, I find it so hard to find a job even without handicaps attached to my name and this made me decide against it.

2) Reason 2 was the counselor itself. My mum did a basic counselling course and told me what they learnt as they did the course. A counselor never offers advice, their job is to listen to your problems in a non-judgmental manner. It is through these sessions you come to your own decision about what to do next. But the thing that bothered me the most is if the counselor would be nice?

I know that sounds ridiculous but after talking to a friend who I knew had been to seen one I asked if they felt comfortable and happy with the counselor. I wasn't satisfied with the response and it backed up my fears of before. 

Counselors are empathetic, not sympathetic and because I am not paying money for the one the University provides I am randomly allocated to one and seeing as my luck is bad there is a chance I could have landed sessions with a counselor I was not comfortable discussing my problems with. 

What is it I have?

I keep doubting I have depression. My family history include gum cancers and allergy problems but I have no idea what mental health is like. As well as that, these episodes of down don't fit into the criteria of Depression but this isn't sadness either. 

I think sometimes I have it because: 

1) I feel numb inside, like I'm dead

2) Irrational thoughts multiply so badly, really bad frame of mind sentences that reek of pessimism for example, "There's no point in trying, I'm just going to fail", "There's no point bothering"

3) Loss of interest in pretty much everything. TV, work, reading, playing video games, writing even writing my blog! All I can do is just plug my headphones and pray I can ride it out.

4) Suicidal Thoughts. These occur when I feel completely trapped particularly when my eczema and urticaria combine with Insomnia leaving me in constant pain all over. That on top of bad feedback on essays with no encouragement or advice, feeling numb, lack of sleep, loathing of my ugly reflection in the mirror due to all the ailments building up it is explainable I suppose. 

5) It keeps coming back and when it does I feel they last longer than before. 

6) Whenever I hear someone talking about depression seriously, like they're drowning in a  room full of people in silence or I hear why Sylvia Plath's novel, The Bell Jar is called so because of the feeling of depression is like being trapped inside a bell jar struggling to breathe I actually understand that feeling. And I am one of those people that can not fully understand a feeling unless I have experienced it first hand. Everyone else around me thinks the word 'Depression' means sadness. Sadness to me is a shallow emotion that passes over you like a rain cloud and makes us human. Whilst Depression is like this deep hollowness you want desperately to just go away because it just eats away turning you into someone who becomes indifferent to just about everything. And though I have never reached that state I fear it going down that path. 

7) The triggers are sometimes unexpected things colours, memories etc. Grey Clouds I have discovered are one of the reasons that I feel so dead inside sometimes. When the sun comes out I feel as if I'm free. The blue sky, the sun shine makes me feel like I can do anything whilst when I see Grey clouds and I don't mean a few grey clouds against blue sky but just Grey sky completely. I feel myself spiralling slowly into that state again, and if that weather continues into the next day well... 

8) I used to be able to listen to all types of Happy music. Before I could NOT physically stand sad music. To me, stimuli that initiates a downer on the mood is a big No No. But lately all I can seem to want to listen to is Depressing music. For some reason it's the only thing I can stand, whilst other songs are shouting about getting up and dancing and alienating me because I do not feel like that, I seek refuge in lyrics that make me feel this feeling is normal. People do go through this and believe it or not but eventually there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

9) I think back to the Past and I realize I was a lot happier as a person. After this thought I have come to the conclusion this feeling is a result of my experiences not genetics. Especially at University  coming from a home with a large family to living by myself and struggling with work and supporting myself. 

Reasons I think I do not have depression:

1) Though they vary with symptoms. The NHS and other Health Organisations say an important factor in determining Depression is time. So someone with Depression has to have that feeling continually for at least six months so it's not misdiagnosed for just a temporary downer. Thankfully, I have respites from this horrible feeling. At least I have that relief. 

2)  This one symptom makes me doubt I have it a lot. Physically not being able to get out of bed. It's the one symptom I have never experienced. When I hear that symptom it scares me because it's like it's over. There's a side of me that wants to give up and then there's the side that doesn't want to as if the finish line is alittle further and hope is around the corner. 

When the thought to give up begins my mind goes into a war and my thoughts follow an argument as follows:

If you give up that's it. You'll fail, you won't find a job, you'll health worsen and you'll have no money to pay for the treatment, this will lead you to being trapped only this time there really is no hope because you have no exits failing a degree. 

And then I get up even if it hurts. Even if I sit at the back of the lecture indifferent because if I give up there is an ugly thought that creeps along that basically goes well if you give up what's to stop you taking your own life?

Not just that, but also I entered University with a purpose. I wanted to meet new people, make friendships and memories, I wanted to become a better person, at the end leave with a qualification that will help me make a difference to people's lives as well as help me earn a living and change my family's situation. 

I guess in a way I'm someone who has alot of great expectations and many of them have been let down. I used to love science but according to my tutor I am just about scraping passes in modules. My brain switches off after 10 minutes of monotone droning of a lecture. I miss the days of secondary school when we'd interact as a class with the teacher and discuss the ethics of cloning or involved in group tasks of drawing the human anatomy. These days all I keep thinking is: I need to keep going to get that degree NOT isn't this fun? Wasn't that a enjoyable lesson? I feel so inspired to do THIS!

My aspirations and dreams have been put out by University. It's funny but I remember a conversation I had with my biology teacher, Mrs Christmas. It was the last few weeks of our last year and I remember saying I could not wait to leave secondary school. Mrs Christmas told me I'd miss it and I replied saying never. Back then University sounded like this amazing route to self-independence. 

Now? It's a place where you pay a lot of money for actually not as much as you expected. If you want to see a lecturer, you can't just go to them whenever you like with teachers in secondary school you have to book an appointment. You're an adult. Everything is your responsibility. 

And yet why do I not feel like one? Just floating in this empty space watching people struggle to bring out some pennies to pay for a rising bus fare. 

Why is there never a bridge to these giant steps? We're just thrown in the deep end and expected to start swimming. And what happens if some of us have anchors tied to our legs? Baggage that makes us swimming that much harder. 

"Life is tough, you just got to ride it out"

"Welcome to the real world"

"Talk to our helpline"

"Sorry we can't help you, go to this department which is now closed because it's lunch break (Wherever the hell I have to trek to next)"

Sorry that turned into a rant. Like I said at the beginning, this is my only outlet. But back to Depression. So because I can get out of my bed and face the world and face Uni even after being told I am shit at doing my work even after putting everything I got into it the fact I can still face it even still battered by my own body turning against me must mean it's just a phase. 

When you are expected to be independent in University in every aspect of your life it's easy when you only have to fight one war, that of you against the world. But when it comes to fighting two wars. One with the world that acts so ruthless towards you and a second one with yourself to keep hanging on it begins to make sense how one is not coping. 

3) This phase worsened when I came to University.

4) I'm probably just reaching my breaking point and need a breather. Decided I need a Gap Year after a finish my degree. Take a break from year after year of study and exams. 

5) I have also had a fear recently that I might be bipolar. I can experience feelings of euphoria between these bouts of numbness. Like I can take on the world, do my best and then come crashing down when things take a turn for the worse. But after watching a documentary and reading the symptoms I honestly do not think I have it. If I did I would have been expelled or unable to go outside. And though these feelings torture me inside, I can still put on a brave face and head outside. 

Stigmas and Closure

Like I said before. I do not like talking about my problems, particular ones of this nature. There is still such a stigma associated with mental illnesses. People still think of stereotypes when they hear jargon like 'Clinical Depression' 'Schizophrenia' 'Bipolar Disorder'. There is a look of pity and they label you with the words, 'Unstable', 'Crazy' or 'Loopy'. And these aren't removable labels. They blot health records, stick to you and somehow seem to define you. It doesn't help that the medical approach these days is to just shove anti-depressants down your throat. I'm all for medicine helping with symptoms don't get me wrong but I have a big problem with using medication long-term to relieve symptoms and yet does nothing to tackle the cause of the problem. I also think society has a big role to play in it. 1 in 4 people have a mental illness. If you think about that, that's a really scary statistic. 

Now look at all the austerity measures, unemployment rising and then you realise keeping it together is actually a tab bit tougher. 

Putting on the brave face.